i love jesus!

I've been home now for 2.5 weeks, and have spent some time reflecting on the last 7 months, and the last few years..... I have grown so much, through so much. Sometimes I get myself all worked up about a mistake I made  or a mis-communication or places i did not handle properly. Here's the truth though... not a single human is perfect. in fact, its quite the opposite. We sin every day in different ways. If we could always do what Jesus would do, there would be no need for a savior. sometimes i get wrapped up in trying to be as good as i can for Jesus, not because i think i can obtain perfection, but because i want to show the world how much i love and adore my God. But when i mess up, I have to remember that I will mess up and i have to trust the people in my life to have grace and mercy. that is part of trusting God. and when i mess up, all i can do is apologize, be honest and humble, and trust God to see me through. its so scary sometimes but i am getting better. i love Jesus and his redeeming love!

getting home

at this moment, it is 4 am on a thursday night. all is quiet and i have a few moments to really let it soak in that i am back home in america.

saying good bye to my babies and the staff and my friends and family was one of the most difficult thing i have ever done. tears never came... i think because it was deeper than emotion for me. i felt as though i was leaving my life there. i am so happy to be home and be with my family, but im not gonna lie its hard. i miss waking up and walking to adziwa, where everything was laid back and chilled out. american lifestyle is very busy and scheduled. i guess i am afraid that i am going to lose that intense reliance on god.... that freaks me out. i woke up in the middle of the night just praying that god stay with me... i know its a silly prayer because god is with us always but i crave him in a way i never have before and my greatest fear is to regress.

i want to continue to run towards god, always having to rely on him to get through the day.keeping my simple lifestyle without getting back into the crazzy life here in the states will help i think.

thank you god for everything you have given to me, taken from me, or guided me through. you are an amazing god :]

love Him, love them: Malawi 2011: November 8: lucy bug!

love Him, love them: Malawi 2011: November 8: lucy bug!: HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!!! Wow 21 years old now :] it seems so long ago that you and I would go to centennial and work out summer befo...

November 8: lucy bug!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!!! Wow 21 years old now :] it seems so long ago that you and I would go to centennial and work out summer before my freshman year. we have really done some crazyyy things since then! We have eaten in the stairwell because we were in a funk and needed to be away. We have been tardy for school, so we decided to go to cracker barrel and enjoy our tardy :] hahaha we have cried together, hit eachother, laughed together, but always been eachother’s person! You are my Meredith :] thank you so much for being my best friend and an incredible estes sister! Enjoy your birthday knowing that I am praying for you continuously and wishing I could be there with you! I will see you 5 weeks from tomorrow so don’t fret. Love you more than I love my hair hahhaahahhah!

PS I hope your going to shogun for your birthday dinner. That sounds AMAZING right now!

Oct 17

Oct 17

Today was a lazy day. we intended to go to town and get sissors and needles and thread for the womens project tomorrow but its mothers weekend here so all the shops are closed.

We are also running out of food in the house, its been three weeks since we have gotten transport to go grocery shopping. We have had soupy left over rice all week, and as of now, the only real food we have in our fridge are 2 cans of powdered cheese, milk, 1 can of creamed corn, 2 cans of baked beans, a bag of frozen veggies and a pack of ground beef. no bread, no sugar, just a lot of chocolate and snacks from the team my dad came on.

I have been sitting all day trying to write my essays for scholarships. I loath writing. Hate it. So now I am going to take a break and watch greys anatomy (which successfully downloaded after 15 hours per episode) its only 631 MB, so I cannot even imagine trying to download a movie!

We packed one suitcase the other night for returning home. I plan on having a fundraiser for my trip next year sometime in the spring. The details of exactly what I plan to do are still stewing so I will inform you when they are concrete. But part of the night includes a silent auction of handmade items from Malawi. The other week, I went to the wood market, where little “shops” line the whole block. We go here to get to know the shop owners frequently and know most of them by name now. Well I felt God saying that this day I should share business with all 100+ shops. So I went to every shop and said I have 500 mk (3 US dollars), what can I buy. well, I got lots of little trinkets from all of these shops. These items will be used for gifts and fundraising when I return home. So we packed those up.

Oct 15- not a fan

I am really sorry that I have not been communicating through blogs recently. I have opened countless word documents, but words do not come, and I feel speechless. However, I made a promise to my mother that I would write while I was here, and unfortunately I have not lived up to it. So today I am going to force it to happen. My blogs may be very short but I am determined to say something.

Well Nicole left yesterday, it seems crazy that is 7 weeks I will be leaving as well. It always seemed like I would be here forever haha. And now its coming to a close.

The women of Adziwa are starting a project where we are teaching them how to cut and sew fabric ornaments to sell in the states. The money will go directly into the womens pockets which is very good.

The first rain was last week. It was amazing!! We have not seen a drop of rain since we got here, and we could smell it coming. The kids could sense it too, they were a crazy mess all morning hoopin and hollarin. When it finally rained me mo and Nicole were in womens bible study, but morgan excused us so that we could go and play in the rain with the kids!!

Also last week, we got word that the water association agreed to let Adziwa make a connection to get clean water pumped into the complex!!

I am reading not a fan by kyle idleman. It has challenged everything I believe in and what I consider Christian behavior. The most important part I would say so far would be spiritually dying of yourself. That is such a crazy concept, but I don’t see how so many people have missed it. Our job here on earth is strictly to bring glory to god and worship him. Period. So if we are supposed to be his vessel where he can do his will through us, why would we think that we should ever be in control. Of anything. Surrendering to god means that you literally take yourself out of the equation. It does not matter who has hurt me or how I feel about any situation. God says to be quick to become angry when it comes to injustice of others, but quick to forgive and forget when we have been wronged. Duh ellie where have you been!

I am learning more and more Chichewa each day, it is so exciting. I have 4 pages of words I have learned in my journal and yesterday at the airport I found a Chichewa English dictionary and a Chichewa grammer guide! So I am determined to at least become conversationally fluent.

I am also applying to college right now and am feeling very stressed out. There is so much to be done, 4 essays, 2 school applications and 2 scholarship applications. Add onto that all the letters of recommendations and deadlines that occur before I even get back to the states! The deadline for mtsu scholarships in in 6 weeks!! I have to trust god each step of the way that I can get this stuff done and trust that he knows better than I each move that needs to be made. Plus I feel bad sometimes of all the things I have to ask my family to do back home. I mean there is a long list of crap. I am so thankful to have such amazing parents that will help me out!

Oh yeah, and I am coming back next summer!! Once I know for sure which college I am going to, I am going to meet with the people about the dates that I need to come up for orientation and registration and all of that. Once I know those dates, I will be back here for the bulk of june and july!!

Ooh yeah I don’t know if I have shared this with you all, but me and morgan are getting our hair braided crazy soon. We figured it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and we are in Africa so its gotta happen ha.

God moment--- for nicoles last day, they set up a party for all the kids, but each family had to bring something to eat. It didn’t matter if it was one banana or nsima, but just something. Well 150+ kids showed up, and as we prepared the plates, I leaned over to morgan and I said there is always enough, pray for loaves and fishes. Every single child got nsima, relish, fruit, cake, cheese puffs, and rice. Not only that, but there was lots of left overs. I kept handing out plates and plates of nsima for a solid 10-15 minutes. It just kept being there. It was absolutely incredible!

Another god moment--- this one is small but still shows gods love for me. We have been dying to watch the latest harry potter and the new greys anatomy season. Well we tried amazon and hulu and youtube and abc but you cant download outside of the states. Well I was just like god I know its small but nothing is too small for you and I would just really love to be able to watch them…. Well they are on itunes now and we are currently downloading it, even if it takes 31 hours :]

Things are really going well at Adziwa school right now, there are around 400 students, 90 students being in one standard one classroom. We had a man come in from the states this week who specializes in improving schools here in Africa, and after his assessment, things are really looking promising. So please be praying for involvement of all the partners and success for these kids and their education. They really are worth every bit of it!

Well I think that is all for today. Thank you mom for pushing me to keep these things written im sorry that I have not been very good at it. I am trying to be better :] love you bunches!

Sept 10: High School

I just want to declare publicly how sorry I am to everyone I went to Centennial with. I was confused, hurt and broken my senior year. i had trusted all the wrong people, and then cut everyone off when I felt betrayed. But I have since learned that there is absolutely no excuse when it comes to love. God commands me to love each one of you unconditionally. It does not matter what my excuse is,  what is going on in my life, or how you have hurt me. It says in 2 cor. That love always endures. And proverbs 17:17 says a friend loves at all times. Well folks, I failed at loving you my senior year. i wanted to show people how much I was hurting, and I guess I ended up making people see me with an awful temper and resentment. I did not do my job in loving you and showing you all how much god loves you. He loves you immensely!! I will not ever let my situation or my fears keep me from being me. No matter who hurts me, I WILL not let anyone change my personality. I will always stay bubbly and happy because the joy of the lord is my strength! I apologize to each one of you and ask for your forgiveness, and just please know that my senior year is a poor representation of who I am and what I am about. So anywho, its been bothering me that I misled, hurt, and probably yelled at people who did not deserve it during high school, especially senior year. I misrepresented Christianity and what god is all about, but please do not think that is Christianity because I am the one who did a bad job in showing god’s love to you!

Aug 30: Redeemed :]

Tonight my heart aches. It aches for each person stuck in a vicious violent circle. For each child that fears their parent’s anger and each woman that has been robbed of their purity. For the child that has been in the same spoiled dress all week, and each woman that has been left with nothing except more mouths to feed.

It is absolutely heart breaking to know that someone you love has been taken advantage of. That they have been hurt, abused, raped, lied to, and thrown aside. Abuse of any kind, verbal, physical, emotional, sexually, or through neglect, leaves gaping holes in a soul. Holes that seem as if they will never be able to be filled again.

The worst part of these scars are the lies that are embedded into their brains. For some, it’s a drunken lie that they are failures and unwanted. For some it’s a guilty, dirty feeling that they will never be clean again. Still for others, they think they got what they deserved and it’s the best they can ever expect.  So they settle, and they hold it in to pretend it didn’t happen. It will all go away if they don’t discuss it, Right?

WRONG… it will eat away at you. it leaks into other parts of your life until you no longer trust anyone. You begin to get frisky with every boy you meet b/c you know that is all they want from you. the people who love you beat you, so you beat up other kids at school. You are told you are a failure so frequently as a child, that once your grown, you constantly seek other’s approval. You cope in any way that you know how, but at the end of the day, the hole is just as fresh and deep.

IS THERE ANYWAY TO BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN??

 Each woman and child that has been hurt, you are sincerely loved by a gracious god. the hole that you have right now in your heart can be filled again. if you turn to god, he WILL accept you as the beautiful creation you were made to be. What has happened to you is not a reflection of you or what you deserve. Unfortunately, the human race is very flawed, and humans hurt one another. This is inevitable. God never said life would be all sunshine and rainbows. Wars, famine, pain has existed since adam and eve. Without pain, we would never grow. God does however, promise to be with us through everything. he is there to guide us and to give us the strength to make it through the storms. Only THEN can we appreciate the sunshine. I know its not the nicest sugar-coated truth, but it is truth. And friends, it is 100% worth it at the end.

Aug 24: breaking point

Today I am missing my family more than I can express through this computer. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am confused and doubting all the progress I have made in my heart since I have been here. I am not ready to trust people. I feel as if I always expect the worst from them… and eventually they prove me right. I know in my heart of hearts that it’s the wrong outlook and I have been trying and trying and trying to look at the positive. morgan told me recently that it is better to expect the best and be disappointed than prove yourself right about being hurt…. It totally makes since. I have had this outlook the past month and I have thrown myself out of my comfort zone to trust people with my emotions and my deeper thoughts. And I know I will be able to do it, in fact I am determined!! but for today, I just want my beautiful family, my safety net, to encourage me to keep it up. I seriously cannot wait until September 1^st to speak to you!!!!! (at 10 pm your time aug 31, get on skyypppeeeeeee)

Aug 13: update!

First a little update on everything… my foot is doing alright, and my ring worm is clearing up. I am missing my family, but god has revealed something new to me EVERY day! We have moved into one of the elders of the church house for 3 weeks, then onto our permanent residence. Nicole now has been sick for 5 days and will not get test results back until Monday as to what she has. Morgan was sick two nights ago, but seems to be doing much better. There is a lot of stress that comes with the title of team leader, so please be praying for strength for her. We just finished our 2 week camp at CHS, and by the end, I had grown attachments to some of the kids there. However, I am SO excited to see my kiddos on Monday at adziwa. I have missed them SOOOO much the past two weeks so I don’t know how I am going to make it when I leave in dec. We will be back at adziwa on Monday, but on wed and Thursday we will be staying home due to meetings and such between the government and people. Please be praying for safety of everyone involved. We are walking to downtown today to stock up on some groceries, drop some things at the post office, and get a few birthday gifts for my girl Nicole who has her 21^st next sat!!! overall, everything is going great.

Prayer requests:

Blessing

Team bonding

Guidance and strength for a decision I am pending

Peace throughout the country

Patience and love

Health for me and Nicole and morgan

Growth within the youth at adziwa and CCBC

Jamia and charity

Assome

 

Thank you ALL so much for supporting and loving me. All of your comments and emails seriously make my day!!! I love you

Aug 11: voila (lightbulb moment)

This morning I was reading in my devotional about loving my enemies. I don’t know exactly why I went to this heading because I was not feeling any resentment or anger in the moment. I went to it anyways. As I previously blogged, a lot of questions are being answered during this fasting period. One of my questions pertains to being used by those I love. Several friends and family have used me over and over again. they get what they want, and leave me scarred. But in the bible it says to love everyone all the time (see earlier blogs for the dets :]) the question I have is when are the boundaries crossed; when does love turn into enabling; when do you dust off your sandles and walk away. Morgan showed me passages in the new testament where jesus basically said I love you but if you are not going to receive what I have to offer, there are more fish in the sea that need saving. Well anyone who knows me knows that I take advice in, but I make it my own before I believe anything I hear. So I have been asking god to answer this through scripture and peace. This morning one of the verses used said this…

“but I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.”

Couple of thoughts: first off jesus says PRAY for those who use you; it does not say keep hanging out with them and eventually it will pay off, its okay to step away sometimes. However, god does not say mark them off your list and forget about them; we must always pray and force ourselves not to harbor anger or resentment. And personally I choose to be there when they need me as an outlet, but not pursuing anything.

Now the continued prayer is knowing in each situation when the moment to step back truly is.

Aug 9: Getting past the past

Today I am struggling with my past. I have been running and avoiding and repeating the past. My heart has been broken over and over again, and just when I think its gone, it shows itself again. i think I was so scared to give anyone else a chance to hurt me, I held on to the people I knew would let me down as an attempt to protect myself. See, there is an important lesson no one teaches in Sunday school. Sure, we hear that god protects and that we need to trust him. The part they neglect to tell us is that he does not protect us FROM things, but THROUGH things. Maybe teachers think it’s a no-brainer or that its over our heads, but honestly if I would have grown up hearing that it would have been VERY beneficial. Crap will happen. End of story. What god promises is that he will be there with us to lean on and to guide us through. Morgan said a quote to me tonight that just rocks. She said “Life is only 10% things that happen to you, but 90% how you react to the things that happen to you” its all a choice. You can choose to play victim of things that have happened all day long, or you can choose to move on and learn and grow and be happy and make the best of things, and search for god through the crap. Well I am choosing now to be happy. These people do not deserve the satisfaction of knowing I am hurt. That I have been broken. I am choosing to hold my head high and proud as a beautiful child of the god I serve. i am going to make Him proud, and that is the only person that matters.

 

I have been feeling so guilty for not being able to move on and trust god and people immediately. I thought it should be automatic, but I am discovering that emotion is normal. Pain is inevitable sometimes and a broken heart takes some time to sew. However, as long as I am processing and continuing to take steps in the right direction, I will make it to the finish line.

 

And PS family I am missing you everyday. I look at my scrapbook and notes every single night before bed and CANNOT wait to talk sept 1, but this fast is exactly what I needed I cant wait to tell you all about it. Love you more than youll ever know :]

Ight, peace everyone see you tomorrow :P

Aug 6: rap sheet

This morning I woke up with a red ring on my back that was raised… we are living with a doctor, and yes, it was ring worm. Of course. Lets take a minute to list my rap sheet. Broken foot, multiple sores in my mouth, ring worm, first degree burn from turpentine on my stomach, sun burn ALL over my body. Seriously ellie?? What is wrong with me and my body.

On a happier note, I finished Crazy Love today, and it is phenomenal! Its crazy how we expect a perfect harmonious life once we have invited god to run the show. We ARE living in a fallen world, so how can we expect an easy ride. Crappy things will happen. Period. Its how we react that will determine our lives. If we sit and wallow in our pasts and in the events that, quite frankly, just suck, of course we will have a negative outlook. The truth is that God gave the earth to satan to rule as prince so that it would be a smack in his face when the people in “satan’s world” STILL choose god. How awesome of a feeling it is that we get to be part of that fight by just acknowledging Him.

Now its time to lay out and swim in this wonderful weather!! Yay :]

 

PS. It is sat. Saturdays have a way of going south here…. Today we burnt our bread until it literally smoked up the house and caught fire. only then did we remember that it was in the oven. Nice one team ha.

Aug 3: silence and solitude

Okay so yesterday I told you guys that I started a fast.  when I think of my family, I will use that time to worship and spend time with god. That also includes silence and solitude. Most of the time we spend praying not ever taking time to listen to what god may want to reveal to us. How can we sit and pout and say “oh no. god never answers my prayers” when we have not taken time to hear the answer he wants to give. God always answers. Sometimes its not what we want to hear, but its an answer.

Each morning when we get to the church, we have some time to answer emails, skype with parents, get on facebook. But seeing as I am fasting my family, I do not have as much to do on the internet. So I set out to hang out with my heavenly daddy :] worship songs usually help me to get into a special place with god, so I went on a short little walk and listened to one song. I stopped the music at this point b/c it becomes a hindrance from HEARING god. So I sat  down with my bible and prayed for only a few minutes. now  god had the floor.

I have been questioning a few relationships in my life. How can I keep pouring out gods love to others if I am not getting my own cup filled. Some relationships, I have put everything I have into them and it seems to be a one way street. I have heard different advice from several people, but I am not one to rush into any decision just because someone says something that sounds good. I research it and make it my own. So as I prayed, I asked god to reveal to me what true love consists of and when does it begin to enable bad behavior.

He led me to 1 cor chapter 13; the infamous love chapter. As it begins, I substituted my name for the word love, so it reads, Ellie is patient. Ellie is kind. Ellie is not jealous and does not brag. She is not proud. Ellie is not rude, is not selfish, and does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but delights in truth. Ellie patiently accepts all things. She always trusts, hopes, and endures.

A few things stuck out to me regarding this when do I move on from this relationship thing. if we claim to love, we do not count up wrong doings. Each day is new and fresh. I then asked god, “okay I understand that we don’t count up wrongs done to us, but isn’t there a point in time when we need to dust off the sandles?” then the word endures caught my eye. We cant pick and choose what part of scripture we read. Endures means you keep going. I have been doing a study with the youth for the past couple months on love. What is love, who do we love, when and where do we love, why do we love, and how to love. God states that we love everyone all the time. There is a realization that sometimes people will not accept love, but we are called to do it anyways.

So now I know that these friends deserve my love all the time. But then, god, how do I keep from enabling them. Well the passage states that love, aka ellie, takes no pleasure in evil, but delights in truth. This means that even if a friend is doing something I do not agree with, I need to keep them accountable. I need to call that out each and every time, but in the end its only advice. I can never change a persons heart. But as they ignore my advice, i am supposed to show them the better way, the healthier choice. If we walk away when someone disagrees with us, why would they ever want to change. If they have the choice of getting messed up with their old friends or hanging with you, what happens when you turn your back. They have no safe haven to come to. We are to have outstretched arms ALWAYS, but we do not delight in evil. Never make excuses for their behavior, and never back down from stating that we do not agree.

I still have some questions on this matter, so over the next month, I look forward to what god will continue to reveal to me.

I went to the clinic today for my foot. Its been hurting for the past month after the little accident :] it was an interesting experience! I got to keep my xray as a souvenir.

Oh yeah and we were at church a total of 13.5 hours today!  

aug 2: learn to love

Today we started the VBS at CHS. it went very well. We taught them boom chicka boom chant and I taught the story of letting the children come to jesus. That god cares about what the children have to say so much that he states the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.  That is incredible that so many times, society silences children by saying they cannot handle things or that they are still developing and such. In reality god says to have a heart and faith like a child. So take that grumpy parents, ha!

 

Today I am learning more and more. I discovered a love and passion for learning anything and everything all the time. Really social relationships the most right now… I always thought I was so forgiving and I forgave and forgave when people hurt me and then in the bible it says sometimes you need to dust your sandles off and be on your way. However, it doesn’t count when you have bitterness. Its not forgiveness if you harbor bitterness and pain at the end of the season together. There are a few people I regret to say I have most likely hurt in my high school. I thought I was completely right in my anger with them, but THAT is not part of this love given by god. Of course I cant do it on my own. It takes god to give me the strength to forgive and walk away with NO bitterness. And who am I to complain about being burned when god was freakin crucified by the people he came to save. Come on now ellie!! That is so selfish of me.

 

I also began a month long fast of my family. It all started when I was talking through some past hurts with morgan and I realized I trust god when it comes to provision and his awesomeness and his love and devotion of my life, but I struggle to trust him when it comes to my relationships. I don’t trust other people to respect me. Then I learned that when we have something that we would like to grow closer with god about, a fast is a good place to start. b/c when you fast, you not only cut something that consumes a lot of your time, energy, money and/or thoughts, but when you fast it, everytime you think or are tempted with that item, you stop and pray and take that time to spend with Him. For about a week I prayed about what I should fast and for how long. While deep in worship one Sunday god answered clearly, my family for the month of august. Well I knew that had to be from god cause I would NEVER want to do that on my own. My family is my life. But I agreed and a couple weeks later here I am, starting my fast. It is about to rock my world.

 

Also, today was blessings birthday… goober! We have leaned on each other so much in the last year. We have gone through thick and thin and made mistakes but loved each other through everything. You are truly a beautiful child of god (even if you say your just a pastors kiddo :]) happy birthday sweet girl. I love you

Btw mom, here you go. A blog everyday (so far ha). See you in a month

July 23: july team recap :]

Well my dad and sister just got on the plane back home. It was hard saying good bye; I had grown accustomed to them being here. Anna grace immediately bonded with fat baby and they hung out ALL the time. Inno and a lot of the other boys were in awe of how huge my dad is and he was so good with them. It was nice having some time to see and hang with other americans for a couple days.

Here are just some of the stories from the team here:

·         We taught mary how to chuck up the deuces and say holla atcha boy

·         Immanuel got to help with construction of 12 book shelves and several benches and tables. We asked him if he was married b/c he has a ring on… he responded that he just liked the way it looks.

·         Several of the youth girls from adziwa made me and Alyssa break dance. Ha and then me and Alyssa made my dad break dance. And I taught Deborah to do a stall

·         One of the boys who is a spunky hyper kid has had an ear infection for 2 weeks or more and by Friday he was a completely different person. His ear was hurting so much he just walked slowly and would have to sit down after just a few minutes of being active. We informed the administrator at adziwa and he was able to go to the clinic and get meds. PRAISE

·         Assome walked up to me one day and said dima ko konda(i love you)

·         We went to salima to the lake the second day they were here. Me dad and anna grace swam together in the lake. The waves were real big because it was so windy. Then we went to the market.

·         Trey called a man Dwight because he couldn’t remember his name, and then when we played catch phrase my dad was describing cheek to cheek and said when you kiss both sides and trey shouted…. IRANIAN.

·         Unfortunately on wed july 20th a demonstation occurred to show that the people protest against some of the things happening in the counry.  They were supposed to be peaceful but some people took advantage of the day and began looting and causing damage to businesses and cars.  Some people were also hurt and some died. Some marches were near where we live and in city centre so me Nicole and morgan went to stay with the team for a couple of days. We could not go to adziwa wed. on Thursday we attempted to go out to get some groceries but we got a call saying that there were people on their way to city center to protest again… we were in city centre. We probably would have been fine to go to adziwa that day because the marches were in isolated parts of the city but we chose to be safe rather than potentially sorry. As of now things are calm, but there has been a dead line of aug 17th for change to occur. So please keep the people of Malawi in your thoughts and prayers. That both sides will have god-given grace, listening ears, and understanding hearts.

·         At the wood market in city centre today I got to pray with a man who sold me a bangle and tell him what being a Christian means.

·         Our theme for bible camp was jesus loves kids and our song was jesus loves the little children. Our theme verse I have now memorized in Chichewa… mateyu 19:14 koma yesu anati telikeni tiana musatikanize kudza kwa ine :]

My family is so great…. I miss them so much. Especially right now as MARY CLAY celebrates her birthday. just a quick shout out… I love you m sizzle. Even back in the day when i annoyed the living daylights out of you, I loved you. You are so thoughtful with all your encouragements since ive been away and im so glad to call you my sister. You rock. Btw I sent your bday gift back with dad so you guys should open it when you open all your gifts and have dad video tape it so I can be there with you. :] love you bunches sister happy bday!!!

Family means so much back home and people becoming family here. The youth at adziwa are so great and welcoming and I love getting to know them and hanging out with them. Moses chimwewe lusungu and james are so great with the kids and you can tell that each one of them loves their job and has a passion for the ministry. The kids have completely stolen my heart I now know most of their names and am learning a lot of their parents names. The guardians take such pride in their families and love on each child :]

So as another month comes to a close, I am sosososo happy to be in my second home in the palm of gods hand. God is so great

Loss July 30, 2011

We lose things we love all the time. We lose phones; we lose boyfriends; we lose friends; we lose trust; we lose comforts; we lose dippin dots; we lose communication; we lose joy

However, we never lose god or his love for us. He loves us immeasurably. So even when our world feels upside down, he knows the end result and he knows exactly what we need.

Today I lost a friend. I met him last year; he and his brothers and sisters came to adziwa. He was so nice and sweet and loved god. He goofed off and rapped and sang in the youth band. Even though we didn’t see eachother regularly I thought of him and his family often.

And now he is gone.

I don’t know what to do right now… all I can do is grab hold of god and pray I make it through the night. I feel devastated; like I should have been able to do something. But instead of placing this burden on myself or running into a hole to cry, I WILL PRAISE THE LORD IN THIS STORM. I will rejoice in the past happiness and the hope in heaven. I will rely on god, not on people who quite frankly seem to fail more often than not as a support system. I will put trust in my purpose and I will keep on keepin on.

So whether we lose a phone temporarily, a stupid boy breaks our heart, or a dear friend enters the kingdom of heaven at a young age…. Our job on earth is a temporary one and the greatest pleasures are in heaven. No matter how much crap we gather around us to comfort us, at the end of the day, the void in our hearts is reserved for god, and we will never go to bed happy and complete until we surrender our everything to him,

R.I.P. Daniel… I love you my brother in Christ, and you will stay with us forever.

july 4th: another crazy week

First, ill give you all a brief overview of the last week and a half.

Friday june 24, we finished early, so we called the church driver, but he was out of fuel. Because there is a fuel crisis in the whole country right now, people sit in queues for up to 6 or 7 hours to get half a tank. We finished early so we decided to just walk to CCBC, a 7 kilo walk, and was a two hour walk. It ended up being fun and a good team-building time.

Then on sat the 25^th, we went to old town mall. There is an Italian restaurant, mamma mias, in this mall and some nice shops. We walked then to the wood market. I don’t know if all of you have heard of the wood market but its pretty intense. There are 20-30 shops lining the rode all selling similar products. They magically learn your name, and follow you and crowd you to get you to come to their shop. It always overwhelms me!

Sunday the 26^th, we went to church and talked about the names of god. It was good :] we got home and talked with our host mother. she explained a lot of situations and cultural differences and rules of the house and things. It was very educational and helpful. Then I went to blessings house to sleep over.

Wed, the 29^th, was an exciting awana day!!! We have doing a study on Moses. We have talked about his mom trusting god with her child, and god blessed them by sending moses to the palace to become prince. Then we talked about the burning bush and how god calls each one of us. And we have the option to accept or reject him. The ten plagues were next and how god hardened pharaohs heart because he wanted moses to perservere and wait. God always answers our prayers with a yes, a no, or a not now. The lesson this day was the people finally leaving Egypt and how god followed them with a cloud and a pillar fire. i said that when we ask god into our heart, we are being followed too, but now GOD HIMSELF gets to live WITHIN us. Morgan stopped me at this point to ask if everyone had jesus in their heart, everyone raised their hands. But god called her to persist, so she kept asking questions. ONE little girl raised her hand and said she didn’t understand. Morgan then explained what being a Christian means and how to ask Him into our hearts. The little girl beamed and said I want to do it NOW. So morgan was able to pray with all these kids out loud the salvation prayer and WE EXTENDED HEAVEN!!!! Yay god.

On Friday, no one would be at adziwa, so they told us to take a break. So on Friday, me and Nicole slept in (until 7 ha) and just hung out ALL day resting. We played cards, skyped our families and friends, helped cook, walked to the PTC to get some chocolate and chat.

Sat was pretty much the same as Friday. Dancing, singing, getting to know eachother better.

Sunday at church, I was really struggling with letting go of someone back home that I had been trying to move on from for a long time. I was heart broken because I knew I would be better off once it was all over but it was killing me because this person was the only thing I kept for myself to make me happy.  I got really deep into worship and felt gods peace and love surrounding me. I got a picture from Him: the gates of heaven opened and there were houses. I was working on one putting emeralds and rubies into the outside walls. I asked God what he wanted me to know about this. Then he gave me memories down here on earth of acts of kindness and service I have and am doing like smiling, giving to the homeless men, loving kids, proclaiming his truths, ect. I asked him how these two things were connected and he told me that he sees my sacrifices and pain and love and everytime I give him glory and serve for him I am building my heaven. Its still terribly hard to move on and let go, but god sent me a little blessing to remind me that he loves me even more. then we went to spend the night with blessing again. We were helping cook, and her little brother was hangin with me. He decided to stand on my feet and then lean back. Of course we fell because I couldn’t get balance when he standing on my feet. I heard something crack in my foot. I limped the rest of the day.

Yesterday morning, the fourth, I woke up and my foot kinda hurt but it wasn’t too bad. We walked into the extended Kauma village to Mariam’s house to spend the day. Her husband and son can speak and understand English, so we could really get to know the family. We began by shucking the shells of peanuts. As we did our job we sang worship songs (we are learning them fairly well now) and laughed with them. Then we went into the home to sweep, mop, clean dishes, and clean all the cob webs. Of course Nicole is getting cob webs right over my head and a 4 inch spider comes down the wall RIGHT beside me! The dad killed it though so its okay. After we finished we helped with the family business, tedza. This is Chichewa for peanuts. We picked through the bucket to find the dud peanuts that we rotten or too small to eat. Then we flipped them in the basket to get rid of any dirt, shells, ect. Next we put the peanuts in cooking oil over an open fire to cook. Once they were done, the were drained and put back in the bowl. After salting them and letting them cool, they were ready to be bagged and sent to the market to sell. THEY TASTE SOOOOOOO GOOD! It was one of the funnest days here so far. At awanas we continued the study of Moses and talked about the Red sea splitting to let the people get free from pharaoh. That god does miracles to protect and help us and to give Him the glory. And that he can use shepards and everyday people. When I got home and took a shower, I looked at my foot again. It was swollen and black and blue! I iced it the rest of the night off and on and kept it elevated. They say I may need to go to the doctor tomorrow.

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT, I had a terrifying vision. I swear I’m not making this up….

We were driving late at night and there was a raccoon the size of a 10 year old looking at me. A few feet ahead the raccoon appeared again. it then climbed on the car and started speaking in a creepy language. I kept rolling up the windows and locking the doors but they would just go down again without anyone touching them. The raccoon was hissing and cursing me. It was a demon. The cool part of the dream was that even while I was sleeping I fought it. I grabbed it by the neck and shouted that it must flee in the name of jesus. That it had no power over me and could not harm me. I woke up and the clock said 4 am. I immediately felt and knew that it wasn’t just a dream. I could feel cold breeze in the room and shuddered in fear. I woke up Nicole, and asked her to pray with me for protection and that god would send his warrior angels to watch over us and fight for us. I have never been more terrified then at this moment in time. We turned on worship music and I read psalm 91 and psalm 27 over and over again. I declared truth and the air felt peaceful and I finally felt safe again. I did not go back to sleep. Its now 5:45 am and its time to get ready for the day. i am thankful, however, and praise god right now that he opened my eyes to what is going around me so that I know what to be aware of and what to pray for. God is great and above all evil in this world. If everyone would be praying for me today especially I would greatly appreciate all of them. Bless everyone that reads this blog and prays for me. It keeps me going.

I just opened a letter from my daddy. He took pictures from home and made stationary from it, and put a devotion in each to read…. I wanna share with you the one I read right after waking up from that dream. The picture is me at ripleys museum  laying on a BED of nails. The note says, “ellie-I pray that you have been sleeping well but if not remember that he wants to give you rest and restore you(no sleep my foot my spiritual and emotional well being) I pray that you are restored to 100% ellie! Love you dad” and the devotion says, “Come to me and rest. I am all about you, to bless and restore. Breathe me in with each breath. The way just ahead of you is very steep. Slow down and cling tightly to my hand. I am teaching you a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship. Lift up empty hands of faith to receive my presence. Light, life, joy, and peace flow freely through this gift. When your focus turns away from me you grasp for other things. You drop the glowing gift of my presence as you reach for lifeless ashes. Return to me and regain my presence.” WOW is all I got to say.

I love you and the one true god that is worthy of praise.

June 27: oopss... its been awhile

well guys, sorry its taken so long. the internet in our home has been acting up, so i will get on as much as i can at CCBC to update you all.

we had a meeting with our beautiful host mom yesterday about the culture, what we should do here, what we should not. it was really good to be educated on the culture here so i dont feel so ignorant all the time. its crazy how people see things and assume... i have learned to NEVER do this again, because when you do this, your wrong more often than not.

i spent the night with blessing last night and tried some nigerian food. it was hard to do (you guys know me and my pickyness and my fear of trying new things) but it was good actually. its been such a blessing because even though i have always been afraid to try new things, everything i have tried here is SO good. my favorite is the yellow sweet potatoes and this red rice that has tomato and chili i think.

However, i will not be trying anything new today, or eat anything actually. The guy i live with has his exams starting tomorrow, and so we are fasting and praying for that. when i asked him, he said he was confident he would rock them so YAY:]

i need some prayers right now. for joy, peace, love, understanding for me and others, forgiving spirits for people i have hurt, wisdom and discernment, a positive outlook, and to give him the glory

June 23: Lonely

Well right now I cant sleep so I figured I would give a little update

Yesterday we did construction which consisted of shoveling 8 wheelbarrows of dirt til it overflowed, taking it across to the kitchen, dumping it, mixing with cement, and spreading it all over to make the floor. I know it may not sound difficult but it was the heaviest thing ive ever tried to pick up… so I am very sore today :[ however I am gonna be ripped by the time I get home so its okay

On the subject of food, last night we had chicken; sounds pretty basic right? Oh wait, there are chicken feet just chillin in there. Oh, and there is the tail too. however, it was barbque chicken so it was freakin fabulous. its kinda fun to be trying new foods and veggies and things. Norman came to Adziwa again today to speak to the youth… we made peanut butter and banana sandwiches and he was like GROSS! (he prefers butter and banana… yum?) and then for dinner tonight Kasava(sp?) potatoes and chicken that tastes like moms Italian chicken. Fabulous! I also tried to explain dippin dots to Issak tonight… I don’t think he quite understood. I want some dippin dots right now.

I need major intense prayers right now for my voice. I found out before I left that I have a cyst/nodules on my vocal folds, they said I needed voice therapy and such but I did not have time so they told me drink water and rest my voice. Funny story: when you are dealing with kids you don’t have the option of rest… my voice has begun to be a searing pain at night, and I am always horse. People keep commenting on my funny voice:[ (mommy I tried hot tea here and its very good and soothing)

I have realized the importance of a positive attitude. People always say its unattractive, but you don’t realize just how unpleasant and gross a bad attitude is until you see it from someone else. Its awful.

Oh and did I tell everyone I bought cowboy boots in the flea market for 20 bucks, they are pretty ballin. I love shoes

I am currently stressed about my future. Next spring will be very lonely I feel like since everyone will be at college. Man! And then I need to decide on a stupid college. All I keep thinking is UK, but if I don’t get that scholarship I don’t think I can go, and what if its not where I am meant to be. UGHH! And then on top of that, even if it seems silly, I have to decide my priorities spending money on  a sorority or traveling each summer and blah blah blah. Its just a whole lot to think about and I cannot get a clear definitive answer to save my life.

There is a spider that is 4 inches wide living in the multipurpose room at adziwa. Oh yeah, its prego… yay monster babies just what we need!!! And I went into the bathroom, which is a hole in the ground with a mud wall around it, and there are 50 spiders COVERING the whole ceiling. I cannot even pee at the village now. And my malaria meds are giving my crazy vivid dreams, I woke up at 3 am b/c of a dream about spiders!

OH I almost forgot! We wondered into kauma today to go to the market and get some chitange(sp?)(ha bad idea considering the 3 white folk have never gone by themselves before) and we got lost, eventually found our way, and SAW LONELY!!!!!! She is so beautiful I almost cried seeing her. She just wanders around the market… oh my goodness it was so good to see her and know shes doing okay….

Anywho I think that is all for tonight I am getting some shut eye. Seriously miss you all! Nighty night :]

June 21: untitled

DISCLAIMER: I have no organization to this, its just my thoughts as they come. Sorry.

Today I am going to bed happy. I haven’t laughed a lot recently, which most of you know consumes my life. I have been so busy planning and worrying about speaking and trying to make a difference and dealing with living with people other than my family who knows how I tick. Today at lunch we had a team meeting. Everyone was on the brink of losing it. The tension kept rising and annoyances were going unsaid and I especially like everything to be said outloud and then forgive and forget and move on. We discussed frustrations and long story short, we have a blank slate; a fresh start. So for that I praise God.

I have to tell you again how incredibly difficult to stay happy after hearing all these wonderful people and where they are coming from. Yesterday, some youth from CCBC came, and there is this guy i got to know a little bit better. He is freaking fabulous. He is a walking encyclopedia for the history and knowledge of the bible. He leads the youth at CCBC and has an amazing heart for God. Now that I am getting to know him better, his story is inspiring. He came from the streets and took in any information he could about God, and now is such a leader. Also, today is Tuesday so we had womens bible study. As we waited we could hear raised voices in the office. We ended up dancing with 50 year old women for 45 minutes learning old folk songs so it wasn’t too awkward. Afterwards we asked lusungu why all the staff were late and what they were yelling about. She proceeds to tell us of one of our kids, Charity. She is living with her grandmother because he parents got divorced and remarried. The mother does not want her, but the father does. However, the grandmother wants to keep they kids so she can get the perks of the program (free nice house food program clothes and school) she beats the kids and Charity had a busted lip this morning. Also they caught her yelling to one of the 7 year old boys that their mother died of AIDS and blah blah blah! Plus a few weeks ago, the girl was chased from the house at 9 pm and had to sleep at the chairmans house. The grandmother never bothered to look for her. Now the leaders have to decide how to get the children to the father or next of kin and possibly kicking the grandmother out of the program.

Shout out to Lucy—you are my perfect roommate. You know me and my habits and what ticks me off and what will cheer me up. You read my thoughts and call me out. But most importantly you just love me. You understand that im not always in a good mood, rational, or polite. And you still love me. I have come to the realization that  no roommate with meet my standards now, so good luck in college Ellie ha.

Anyways I am sick of typing so goodnight :]

DADDY!!!

The weekend is finally here!! which means rest!

we are going to the flea market today to experience that and then to a MEXICAN place to eat! queso and all im told! YAYAYAYAYYAYYAYYAYYYY!! i am so so pumped for that

nothing much else going on this weekend except church.

BUT THERE IS FATHERS DAY :]

Daddy-- i obviously cannot give you a gift this year, but i can brag on you! you are seriously an amazing father. i never really knew just how involved and wise you were until i started hearing peoples stories of their dads and how they have been. you have always gone to god FIRST and have been a fantastic example of faith to me. i know you are the frugal parent(i inhereted that quality from you def not mom) but it makes it so much better when you do treat me because its things that really matter to me! for instance when you walked in the night before i left to give me the finger stuff it meant the world to me because you knew me and those cards you sent with me last year and this year, i could see that you put some thought into it! you are so perfect to mom. you make her feel like shes a princess and that has shown me that i deserve a man like you, even if i have to wait a million years ha. you are my hero and i love you to the moon and back. PS my trunk is the best!!

june 15: family, fun, and witchcraft?

Sorry guys, I know its been a couple days….

My family I am staying with is precious. They are so kind, welcoming, and godly. The mothers name is owns 3 shops: 2 tailor shops where she makes traditional dresses skirts purses and pillows, and 1 hardware shop. The dad is an engineer for a tobacco company but i havent had the opportunity to get to know him closely yet. they have 3 children. the oldest daughter is 21 i think,  works in Blantyre, a four hour drive away. She came in town last weekend but we wont see her again for a long time. The oldest and only son is 24 and goes to college in south Africa. He is home on holiday for a month and is helping his mom with the shops and such (today he is salima helping to furnish the cottage they are building by the lake… score!) he likes to drink and party some, but is very funny and respectful to his parents and guests. The youngest daughter is 17 and goes to boarding school. She is also home for holiday until august. She has been very quiet the whole time but last night we made popcorn on the stove and had girl night. We talked about boys culture and danced around the room… it was really fun. Tonight we are planning on teaching them to play spoons, estes style:] which can get a little crazy ha.

On Sunday, we had youth service at CCBC. We discussed the difference in career and calling. Career you are chasing the money and calling you are chasing what god wants for you. I kinda disagreed with them because they said they could be similar but not the same. I gave the example of mom and praying with her patient… I think that if you have a career where god has given you talent and you carry him with you wherever you go,  you could be following your calling. Its all complicated. They only have youth service once a month, which in my case is not frequent enough to really get kids excited for god. The teens have gone to the same church with eachother since birth and do not know eachothers names, what they each like or dislike. Its ridiculous. I think we have to start teaching the lesson starting next Sunday and im nervous:\

The Awana program has flourished since last year. They get involved with eachother, and learn several bible verses and seem to be going deeper. We are in charge once again of planning the lesson each Monday and wed. I suggested doing a series on the ten commandments. Anyone who has any object lessons or creative ideas at all please let me know(mom and mrs amy mmhhmm)

We have not been working much in the school yet because they are preparing for exams. However, we helped in the nursery today. They are SO cute:] we are doing a bible camp when the july team comes, and while that is going on morgan is going to help with training teachers. Then in September, we are brainstorming doing 30 minutes a week with each classroom to help with English pronunciation and reading comprehension. The problem is that the way Malawi has always been taught is memorizing, so their thinking skills never develop. Many adults here cannot do a simple puzzle…

Each Friday, we go and visit the caregivers in the adziwa gardens. We help them with any chores that need to be done. So far, we have only done dishes and mopped a little. One house we went to brought out more dishes than ive ever seen and looked like they had not been washed in a week. When morgan and I began to wash, hundreds of cockroaches ran everywhere. I thought I was about to lose it because it would have been very insulting to not finish or to comment so we had to act as if nothing was going on… the were running across my toes and up my skirt. I started sweating and light headed and pale. It was awful.

Each day after school we go and help with the feeding program. At 11 oclock, anyone who went to school that day can go and stand in line to get porridge(soy flour, corn four, and brown sugar boiled) our job is to wash the plates before hand, hand each of the hundreds of kids a spoon and a plate and then wash the dishes again when they are finished. The water gets so gross, and we wash for a solid hour and a half. Its so good that they have a somewhat nutritious meal because that is all some kids get to eat all day!

On Thursday afternoons, we are in charge of a youth program in adziwa. This is 14 to 19 year olds that get together for bible study. Last week was the first time and we played a name game. When the july team comes we will start a girls guys and godliness study hopefully:]

On Tuesday afternoons we do a womens bible study in adziwa. Morgan has kind of taken lead of this one seeing as I am only 17 myself. They  get together and sing so beautifully. This past Tuesday we talked about grace and what that means in gods eyes. That they should forgive the unforgivable. One lady,  told us that her husband used to be an alcoholic and abusive. For instance, one day she was taking a shower and he came and threw a brick at her.. and here the bricks are really large. One day, he got really sick and could not walk anymore or do anything for himself. She chose to forgive him for everything and took care of him for 9 years. Then one day his relatives came and took him away from her and he died a few weeks later, she to this day has not seen where he husband was buried. If that is not grace I don’t know what is! Its crazy to think what I can hold on to and hold over peoples heads… if she can have grace to that awful man I can do anything you know.

Also, apparently witchcraft and voodoo is largely used here in Malawi. There was a girl in her yard casting a spell  one day… harry potter makes it seem non-threatening, but it is not a joke.  I have seen 2 kids that I am pretty sure are possessed. One of them, is 4 years old in the nursery and will be so sweet one minute and then will start muttering, get the crazy eyes, and then start hitting and punching anyone around her. I immediately pick her up each time and say I love you jesus loves you over and over again. I sing jesus songs to her and pray… she calms down for the moment.

As you may have noticed through my blogs, alcohol is kind of a theme over here. Also a lot of men in kauma drink all the time. They are able to grow their own at their house and its very very strong. The girl,that I just told you about in the previous paragraph so walks around pretending to drink, rolls her eyes in the back of her head and stumbles around the playground. There is also a boy that I just absolutely love, who does the exact same thing. ive noticed a correlation with those kids: they are all violent. It seriously breaks my heart.

Prayer requests right now… relationship with my family over here and back home:] strength, wisdom and guidance while we plan all these bible studies, the youth at CCBC, fat baby, lonely, Pricilla, my health, patience for me and Nicole and morgan, understanding, and unconditional love.

June 9: I don’t understand

Several things to mention today…

First off, thank you so much for your prayers and comments, they keep me going.

PRAISE HIM! My fingers are doing very well I have not even thought of biting except like twice and I resisted the urge those times. Also, although I had a moment of intense grief, it has for the most part passed and I am fully focused on my job here instead of what I left behind. God has really been communicating “love” to me this week. Family love, friend love, boy love, idol love, His love, sharing that love, and receiving that love. I have discovered that I have the gift of love. I truly love and enjoy people god has put in my life. However I struggle to receive love. I do not accept compliments well, I refuse to trust and be vulnerable, and after forgiving and letting go 8 million times, I begin to hold a grudge. So thank you god for showing me more about myself and what to work on. I have been praying out loud, which some of you know is very hard for me. The home we are currently staying in also has unlimited internet so we will not have to keep paying and it is pretty fast connection so apparently we will be able to skype!

CONFUSION. There are many things about the culture I do not understand, Also today we went prayer walking through Kauma to see some of the families in the adziwa program. one woman had 5 children to care and she was a widow. The youngest, 6 years old, had malaria plus had been in a coma, and now has suffered a stroke. He could not walk or talk, he just laid in bed all day every day. His hand was stuck as well. She brought him out of the house and Karen began to pray. The whole time she prayed I just repeated “by faith you are healed” but nothing happened. I believed it could happen, and I knew he needed healing, I prayed. I declared truth. And nothing happened. I don’t understand.

We taught the kids to play baseball today with sugar cane and a rag ball. It was awesome.  We have been going to homes this week to clean and today, there were a million trillion cockroaches in this one house!!!! I could not handle it. At all.

 I went to blessings house tonight and we made homemade mashed potatoes and they tasted just like moms except they were lumpy because we had to handmashed them ha. It made me miss my mommy. I love you

ANNA GRACE>>>> you are finally a teenager. I could not be more proud to call you my sister. You are so humble and innocent and pure(I hope being a teenager does not ruin that!) and you care so much about others. You love god more than you love yourself and everyone loves you because your light shines and its infectious. You have always been the cutest estes but now you’re the most beautiful estes… and that is saying something cause we are a FABULOUS looking family :] I love you more than I could ever express and I am so sos os sososososo happy you are coming with dad to see me. It means more than youll ever know. Im counting down the days honey… HAPPY BIRTHDAY ps we can never again say you are still developing:]

June 7: new family

Today when we went to adziwa i got so sad... salome does not remember me, and she will not talk to me. im just not feeling happy today. i no longer have a team to help me; its just me and nicole. and we have a new family. they are very very sweet and i like them, but everything is scary. i tried to take a shower... the water blew all over my face, flooded the bathroom, and never got hot. so i will be going to bed smelling like booty stank.. great! . also on the way home tonight my new mother Maggie pointed out all the prostitutes standing on the streets which was eye opening. im really beginning to be hit with the whole 7 months length and i miss my family and my friends and right now i just feel like the world is spinning and im not invited. i cant believe im missing out on so much it seems surreal. and i just feel dishearted. morgan is stressing and blatantly unhappy and she sometimes rubs it off on me accidently. i just want to be eating ice cream watching swan princess in my own bed right now. anyways im rambling and having a pity party... itll all be okay. just please, if you know you mean a lot to me, dont forget about me when your life moves on and im left behind. goodnight love and miss you

June 5th CCBC

Today I went back to Capital City Baptist Church, it was different. No one I’ve ever met before was there except for wangari and blessing. Moses and his brothers and sisters were not there; jimmy is in college and ozzy left and does not plan to come back. Penelope went somewhere I’m not sure where though. I met a few new people but there was only about 5 youth in the whole service, whereas last year there were 20-25 teens. Then we went to the classic café delight for lunch where I got some bbq pizza. It was very good. After that was a very bumpy hour long car ride to the refugee camp. This is where victims in other African countries can flee from war, famine, disease, violence, corruption or persecution. The problem is the laws that state that refugees cannot work, farm, or earn any kind of living. They have to build their own houses from whatever they can find, and once they are there they cannot leave unless they apply for a pass, which is rarely granted for an extended period of time. There were people from Somalia, Sudan, Uganda and several other countries. Now I’m going to nap and then eat a “blie” (a buffet) of authentic Malawian food. Love and miss you!

June 4: my drum

Today we went to Lake Malawi. We swam and saw 10 lizards and I got a philly cheese steak sandwich. It was all great! Also we went to the wood market on the way to the lake. I got a carved drum and my noah’s ark (btw mom if you want dad to get you one it cost me 10 dollars) I have a very cool story about my drum. Okay, so here in Malawi, the market people are very poor and make about a dollar a day. When they see americans they get very excited and greedy and try to cheat them in addition to getting in your face and saying things none stop. In order to eliminate this problem, a local goes with us each time, and TK especially gets intense. He even said, “im putting on my lion face. I will be a beast” also you are NEVER to give out anything for free. Im going to be honest with you. My experience in the market place has been full of greedy uncomfortable men hastling. Okay well the drum shop was across the street from everything else, so I crossed over and haggled the price down to 1300 kwatcha (about 7 dollars) which is a very good deal. He gave me 200 kwatcha as change. The only other man on this side of the street asked me to come look at his things. He had bracelets and handmade banjos from wood that had tuning thingys and sounded pretty awesome. I told him I had just spent the rest of my money for my drum, and only had 200 kwatcha left, which is only 1 dollar. he told me he would give me this beautiful banjo for a dollar. I began to tell him how beautiful I thought it was and that it was worth more than 200 kwatcha. His eyes began to fill as he told me “I know but I haven’t eaten in 3 days and I need to make some money today. I do not have a choice but to give this to you for whatever you can give me” I wished I could do something more him but I slipped him the 200 kwatcha and said he could not tell anyone but to just take the money I don’t want a beautiful banjo for that little price. I broke TKs rules, but he seemed so genuinely desperate, unlike anyone else. As I waited for the other guy to carve my drum, the man came up to me shouting and singing. He said he would teach me to play for free because I made him so so happy. As we played, he asked where I was from. I told him I was working with capital city Baptist church. He said oh you’re a Christian. I became a Christian a month ago. I walk 3 kilometers both ways to church but I have to because with out god I have no feet. Then he thanked me and I told him to thank god because god provided for his good and faithful servant and to eat happily tonight in gods peace. He began to cry and shook my hand. I left, but I was so happy that I got to minister to the crazy market people! Then we ate dinner at Blessings house. Her family is so sweet. In sheer blessing attitude, she made me help her make sandwiches while everyone else socialized. I liked it :] I missed her terribly. For all you guys back home, she is doing well:] oh yeah and the power has been out all day, just fantastic.

Love you and miss you!

June 3: Womanizers

Today we went to adziwa for the first time this year. The women welcomed us with their beautiful singing and dancing. I saw salome. We had a meeting for school supplies. They have grown so much. Last year there were only 2 classrooms in use. Now there are 8, administration offices and even a library (with no books yet though). They are planning on adding another standard as well. However, there are still needs. They have several desks now, but some desks hold up to 3 kids. They need 55 more desks, textbooks, and bookshelves. SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DONATE LET ME KNOW!!  Awana’s, the after school program, has improved dramatically! Last year, no one helped us, we had no translator, and it was chaotic. This year, there were several helpers, they had an actual lesson book to use and organized games. The best but most heart-breaking part of the day was at the end when James asked the kids what some of their challenges they face at home each day. Thankfully most children blessed their parents and commented everytime that they do not drink beer or smoke. A few kids stated that they were an orphan and it is hard with no parents but the people they are staying with are very good to them. At this point, a little girl in the fourth grade stands up and says that her father doesn’t smoke or drink but he was a womanizer. All the kids giggled because they thought it was a funny word, but the girl began to cry. Another girl stood up later and said that she knows her father keeps going with other women. She also began to cry, even though she tried to hold back the tears. We proceeded to pray for them and tell them how god can see their pain and tears and he wants to love on them. It truly broke my heart. I did not see lonely today which worries me. Financially, I think I was 600 dollars under on the budget that previously was made :[ but it will all work out eventually.

Please pray for lonely, finances, my finger-biting habit to end, team bonding, continued growth, and no bugs or diseases

LOVE ALL OF YOU AND MISS YOU!!

June 2: FINALLY HERE

After 3 days of travel, today we finally made it.

Cool airport story real quick: there was a HUGE miscommunication on the poundage that was allowed on south African airways. We did not know if it was 44 pounds, the travel agent’s number, or 66 pounds, which was the amount on our itinerary. Also, the limit on carryons was 18 pounds, apparently including our purse. When we arrived, Nicole prayed for smooth transitions between flights and specifically our luggage weight. Morgan’s bags weighed 74 pounds, mine 61 and nicoles 53. Thankfully we could do a little switching around and we got all of them under 66. As we neared the bag check, nerves took over me. They let us through!! So now we’re on to the carry-ons. My back pack itself weighed 21 pounds, 3 pounds over, and that did not include heavy purse. Morgan had two HUGE bags that each weighed 15. Jim had told us that they were very persnickety about carry-ons and they would not be forgiving. The person in front of us weighed theirs and both their carryon and their purse were put into the equation. I was terrified. When it was our turn, the man said “You’re fine. Just go.” How freaking incredible is that. That had to have been Jesus because they are not known for EVER letting people off the hook!!

Anyways, TK(blessings father and member of African Leadership), Jimmy(CCBC youth pastor), and Mr Banda(church driver) picked us up at the airport. Upon arrival, Jimmy told us the three of us were going to head on to our host families. However, when we got to kuka to drop of Jim Tommy and Karen, we were told to stay at kuka lodge because the family situation has not yet been confirmed. A meeting tomorrow for church members to decide where we’ll stay. As jim pointed out, we ARE in Africa, and they have a different pace and mind set when it comes to deadlines and priorities. We have not yet switched dollars for kwacha, and I realized I only packed dresses no skirts so I have no clue what im going to do about going to adziwa tomorrow. However, I am not slightly stressed or nervous surprisingly, which could only come from Him.

I miss my family, but no offense fam but not that much. I think its just god keepin me together because when I went for only 2 weeks the last two years I cried when I got on the plane both times. I guess we’ll see how it goes the next couple weeks.

may 31: mission initiated

So today I said goodbye to everything in my life. My beautiful family, best friends, my car, my time, updated music, movies, shoes, clothing, FOOD, school, and seven months of my normal life. And for what? For a mud hut and rats on a stick?

Every time I think about Malawi, I smile. Im not completely sure why, all I know is that as hard as it is to leave my family and my shoes and my smoothie king, its not the first thing I think of. I think of how mych I WANT to be there serving and helping in any way I can. 

Today though, I am committed to this adventure, so I have time to think about that second thought of what im missing back home. It sucks, it really sucks. I want to see my little sister become a silly teenager and my older sister hit the big 21, and I want to see everyone on my turn to adulthood on September 13. I want to hang out with Scott and eat dippin dots everyday. And I want my mom to read to me and have crazy family meals. But im in this. I know im supposed to do this and I will. And im gonna rock it.

P.S. im in the Atlanta airport now waiting for 5 hours until I go to JBurg.

Blessings

This word has become to mean so much more to me recently.
Let me tell you a little story.

Girl 1meets girl 2, and they become friends. 6 months later, girl 2 moves to franklin. Girl 2 has baggage, issues, and seems so sad. but  girl 1 loves her so so much. As time goes by, girl 1 prays every week to figure a way to make girl 2 happy. She wants the very best for Girl 2 including peace self value and a relationship with her best friend and savior. 4 months later Girl 2 asks god for a personal relationship and surrenders her everything. not for her parents, not for society, but for herself. To make herself happy

As i thought about this today, the word blessings just seemed to fit perfectly. God wants to pour blessings on each of us, not to condemn or to judge. There are responsibilities, but the rewards are simply magnificent. The lyrics to this song speak perfectly...
"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

This is for you my sweet friend. Always remember, everything is in the past and you are perfectly clean!!!

LOVE YOU

Anxiety

My life is stressful. Usually I handle well, even embrace it, because it drives me. However this past 6 months, it has become anxiety, chronic anxiety. I feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, and once i finally get on top of my chaos, random anxiety floods in. There is nothing to stress about tonight, but my hearts beating fast and i feel something in the back of mind just freaking me out. I'm not sure how to handle this, God. Please, please send your peace down right this minute and help me through this. Also, help me get to the root of where this anxiety comes from.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Psalm 94:19
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

UPDATE

well guys. we are going to buy our tickets this week!!!! YYYYYAAAAYYYYYY i cant wait. this is surreal. Im almost at my goal mark. a few hundred dollars away. God is so faithful. However, i have just found out that a visa is needed. Apparently its not difficult to recieve a visa but it takes time, and a visa stopped my sister from going to rome long term, so im a little nervous. if you can please help in praying for a fast successful application process and complete peace through Him. Thank you everyone for everything.. HERE WE GO!!!!!!

FREEEEEEEDDDDDOOOMMMMM!!!!

WOW. all i can say about tonight is wow. i saw god. through a dream, through others prophecy, and personally within. i cried and let all the truth out. i was encouraged and made it through the storm. i DID praise you through the storm, god. you continue to amaze me. i absolutely adore you papa. THANK YOU FOREVER AND EVER AMEN

Trust

Trust is such a complicated emotion; you have to give yourself away and put your life in their hands. People tell me that i trust everyone. The truth is i trust everyone but i trust no one. I would tell the stranger in the line all about socially unacceptable things such as how cheap i found the pants i was wearing. However, not a single person knows my struggles and worries and problems completely. I freely well give my opinion on other peoples problems and am willing to help with anything i can, but when it comes to myself, i cannot trust. The problem is that sometimes i sont trust God, and i know he has my best interest at heart. I try. I really try to but sometimes i just doubt my faith.
The past year, one of my most used verses as prayer has been "Lord, i believe. help my unbelief." i know he can rock my world and i have experienced him enough to know he is everything the bible says, but for some reason i need him to help me believe in certain situations that he has my back. I am ashamed to say it but its true. so as of today, i am going to claim every help from God and i would greatly appreciate any prayer on my behalf

Psalm 20
Dear Lord,
May you answer in times of trouble. May you the god of jacob protect me. May you send me help from your temple and support me from Mount Zion, May you remember all my offerings and accept all my sacrifices. May you give me what i need and make all my plans succeed. and i will shout out praise when you succeed. We will raise up our flag in the name of our god. may you lord give me all that i ask for. Now i know the lord helps with his annointed servant. He answers me from his holy heaven and saves me with his strong right hand. SOME TRUST IN CHARIOTS, OTHERS IN HORSES, BUT I TRUST  IN THE LORD MY GOD. i am overwhelmed and defeated but we march forward and WIN. Lord save me!  answer me when i call.
Thank you lord for everything you have done, are doing, and will do within me. you truly are marvelous, and worthy of my trust.