Aug 30: Redeemed :]

Tonight my heart aches. It aches for each person stuck in a vicious violent circle. For each child that fears their parent’s anger and each woman that has been robbed of their purity. For the child that has been in the same spoiled dress all week, and each woman that has been left with nothing except more mouths to feed.

It is absolutely heart breaking to know that someone you love has been taken advantage of. That they have been hurt, abused, raped, lied to, and thrown aside. Abuse of any kind, verbal, physical, emotional, sexually, or through neglect, leaves gaping holes in a soul. Holes that seem as if they will never be able to be filled again.

The worst part of these scars are the lies that are embedded into their brains. For some, it’s a drunken lie that they are failures and unwanted. For some it’s a guilty, dirty feeling that they will never be clean again. Still for others, they think they got what they deserved and it’s the best they can ever expect.  So they settle, and they hold it in to pretend it didn’t happen. It will all go away if they don’t discuss it, Right?

WRONG… it will eat away at you. it leaks into other parts of your life until you no longer trust anyone. You begin to get frisky with every boy you meet b/c you know that is all they want from you. the people who love you beat you, so you beat up other kids at school. You are told you are a failure so frequently as a child, that once your grown, you constantly seek other’s approval. You cope in any way that you know how, but at the end of the day, the hole is just as fresh and deep.

IS THERE ANYWAY TO BE MADE WHOLE AGAIN??

 Each woman and child that has been hurt, you are sincerely loved by a gracious god. the hole that you have right now in your heart can be filled again. if you turn to god, he WILL accept you as the beautiful creation you were made to be. What has happened to you is not a reflection of you or what you deserve. Unfortunately, the human race is very flawed, and humans hurt one another. This is inevitable. God never said life would be all sunshine and rainbows. Wars, famine, pain has existed since adam and eve. Without pain, we would never grow. God does however, promise to be with us through everything. he is there to guide us and to give us the strength to make it through the storms. Only THEN can we appreciate the sunshine. I know its not the nicest sugar-coated truth, but it is truth. And friends, it is 100% worth it at the end.

Aug 24: breaking point

Today I am missing my family more than I can express through this computer. This is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am confused and doubting all the progress I have made in my heart since I have been here. I am not ready to trust people. I feel as if I always expect the worst from them… and eventually they prove me right. I know in my heart of hearts that it’s the wrong outlook and I have been trying and trying and trying to look at the positive. morgan told me recently that it is better to expect the best and be disappointed than prove yourself right about being hurt…. It totally makes since. I have had this outlook the past month and I have thrown myself out of my comfort zone to trust people with my emotions and my deeper thoughts. And I know I will be able to do it, in fact I am determined!! but for today, I just want my beautiful family, my safety net, to encourage me to keep it up. I seriously cannot wait until September 1^st to speak to you!!!!! (at 10 pm your time aug 31, get on skyypppeeeeeee)

Aug 13: update!

First a little update on everything… my foot is doing alright, and my ring worm is clearing up. I am missing my family, but god has revealed something new to me EVERY day! We have moved into one of the elders of the church house for 3 weeks, then onto our permanent residence. Nicole now has been sick for 5 days and will not get test results back until Monday as to what she has. Morgan was sick two nights ago, but seems to be doing much better. There is a lot of stress that comes with the title of team leader, so please be praying for strength for her. We just finished our 2 week camp at CHS, and by the end, I had grown attachments to some of the kids there. However, I am SO excited to see my kiddos on Monday at adziwa. I have missed them SOOOO much the past two weeks so I don’t know how I am going to make it when I leave in dec. We will be back at adziwa on Monday, but on wed and Thursday we will be staying home due to meetings and such between the government and people. Please be praying for safety of everyone involved. We are walking to downtown today to stock up on some groceries, drop some things at the post office, and get a few birthday gifts for my girl Nicole who has her 21^st next sat!!! overall, everything is going great.

Prayer requests:

Blessing

Team bonding

Guidance and strength for a decision I am pending

Peace throughout the country

Patience and love

Health for me and Nicole and morgan

Growth within the youth at adziwa and CCBC

Jamia and charity

Assome

 

Thank you ALL so much for supporting and loving me. All of your comments and emails seriously make my day!!! I love you

Aug 11: voila (lightbulb moment)

This morning I was reading in my devotional about loving my enemies. I don’t know exactly why I went to this heading because I was not feeling any resentment or anger in the moment. I went to it anyways. As I previously blogged, a lot of questions are being answered during this fasting period. One of my questions pertains to being used by those I love. Several friends and family have used me over and over again. they get what they want, and leave me scarred. But in the bible it says to love everyone all the time (see earlier blogs for the dets :]) the question I have is when are the boundaries crossed; when does love turn into enabling; when do you dust off your sandles and walk away. Morgan showed me passages in the new testament where jesus basically said I love you but if you are not going to receive what I have to offer, there are more fish in the sea that need saving. Well anyone who knows me knows that I take advice in, but I make it my own before I believe anything I hear. So I have been asking god to answer this through scripture and peace. This morning one of the verses used said this…

“but I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.”

Couple of thoughts: first off jesus says PRAY for those who use you; it does not say keep hanging out with them and eventually it will pay off, its okay to step away sometimes. However, god does not say mark them off your list and forget about them; we must always pray and force ourselves not to harbor anger or resentment. And personally I choose to be there when they need me as an outlet, but not pursuing anything.

Now the continued prayer is knowing in each situation when the moment to step back truly is.

Aug 9: Getting past the past

Today I am struggling with my past. I have been running and avoiding and repeating the past. My heart has been broken over and over again, and just when I think its gone, it shows itself again. i think I was so scared to give anyone else a chance to hurt me, I held on to the people I knew would let me down as an attempt to protect myself. See, there is an important lesson no one teaches in Sunday school. Sure, we hear that god protects and that we need to trust him. The part they neglect to tell us is that he does not protect us FROM things, but THROUGH things. Maybe teachers think it’s a no-brainer or that its over our heads, but honestly if I would have grown up hearing that it would have been VERY beneficial. Crap will happen. End of story. What god promises is that he will be there with us to lean on and to guide us through. Morgan said a quote to me tonight that just rocks. She said “Life is only 10% things that happen to you, but 90% how you react to the things that happen to you” its all a choice. You can choose to play victim of things that have happened all day long, or you can choose to move on and learn and grow and be happy and make the best of things, and search for god through the crap. Well I am choosing now to be happy. These people do not deserve the satisfaction of knowing I am hurt. That I have been broken. I am choosing to hold my head high and proud as a beautiful child of the god I serve. i am going to make Him proud, and that is the only person that matters.

 

I have been feeling so guilty for not being able to move on and trust god and people immediately. I thought it should be automatic, but I am discovering that emotion is normal. Pain is inevitable sometimes and a broken heart takes some time to sew. However, as long as I am processing and continuing to take steps in the right direction, I will make it to the finish line.

 

And PS family I am missing you everyday. I look at my scrapbook and notes every single night before bed and CANNOT wait to talk sept 1, but this fast is exactly what I needed I cant wait to tell you all about it. Love you more than youll ever know :]

Ight, peace everyone see you tomorrow :P

Aug 6: rap sheet

This morning I woke up with a red ring on my back that was raised… we are living with a doctor, and yes, it was ring worm. Of course. Lets take a minute to list my rap sheet. Broken foot, multiple sores in my mouth, ring worm, first degree burn from turpentine on my stomach, sun burn ALL over my body. Seriously ellie?? What is wrong with me and my body.

On a happier note, I finished Crazy Love today, and it is phenomenal! Its crazy how we expect a perfect harmonious life once we have invited god to run the show. We ARE living in a fallen world, so how can we expect an easy ride. Crappy things will happen. Period. Its how we react that will determine our lives. If we sit and wallow in our pasts and in the events that, quite frankly, just suck, of course we will have a negative outlook. The truth is that God gave the earth to satan to rule as prince so that it would be a smack in his face when the people in “satan’s world” STILL choose god. How awesome of a feeling it is that we get to be part of that fight by just acknowledging Him.

Now its time to lay out and swim in this wonderful weather!! Yay :]

 

PS. It is sat. Saturdays have a way of going south here…. Today we burnt our bread until it literally smoked up the house and caught fire. only then did we remember that it was in the oven. Nice one team ha.

Aug 3: silence and solitude

Okay so yesterday I told you guys that I started a fast.  when I think of my family, I will use that time to worship and spend time with god. That also includes silence and solitude. Most of the time we spend praying not ever taking time to listen to what god may want to reveal to us. How can we sit and pout and say “oh no. god never answers my prayers” when we have not taken time to hear the answer he wants to give. God always answers. Sometimes its not what we want to hear, but its an answer.

Each morning when we get to the church, we have some time to answer emails, skype with parents, get on facebook. But seeing as I am fasting my family, I do not have as much to do on the internet. So I set out to hang out with my heavenly daddy :] worship songs usually help me to get into a special place with god, so I went on a short little walk and listened to one song. I stopped the music at this point b/c it becomes a hindrance from HEARING god. So I sat  down with my bible and prayed for only a few minutes. now  god had the floor.

I have been questioning a few relationships in my life. How can I keep pouring out gods love to others if I am not getting my own cup filled. Some relationships, I have put everything I have into them and it seems to be a one way street. I have heard different advice from several people, but I am not one to rush into any decision just because someone says something that sounds good. I research it and make it my own. So as I prayed, I asked god to reveal to me what true love consists of and when does it begin to enable bad behavior.

He led me to 1 cor chapter 13; the infamous love chapter. As it begins, I substituted my name for the word love, so it reads, Ellie is patient. Ellie is kind. Ellie is not jealous and does not brag. She is not proud. Ellie is not rude, is not selfish, and does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but delights in truth. Ellie patiently accepts all things. She always trusts, hopes, and endures.

A few things stuck out to me regarding this when do I move on from this relationship thing. if we claim to love, we do not count up wrong doings. Each day is new and fresh. I then asked god, “okay I understand that we don’t count up wrongs done to us, but isn’t there a point in time when we need to dust off the sandles?” then the word endures caught my eye. We cant pick and choose what part of scripture we read. Endures means you keep going. I have been doing a study with the youth for the past couple months on love. What is love, who do we love, when and where do we love, why do we love, and how to love. God states that we love everyone all the time. There is a realization that sometimes people will not accept love, but we are called to do it anyways.

So now I know that these friends deserve my love all the time. But then, god, how do I keep from enabling them. Well the passage states that love, aka ellie, takes no pleasure in evil, but delights in truth. This means that even if a friend is doing something I do not agree with, I need to keep them accountable. I need to call that out each and every time, but in the end its only advice. I can never change a persons heart. But as they ignore my advice, i am supposed to show them the better way, the healthier choice. If we walk away when someone disagrees with us, why would they ever want to change. If they have the choice of getting messed up with their old friends or hanging with you, what happens when you turn your back. They have no safe haven to come to. We are to have outstretched arms ALWAYS, but we do not delight in evil. Never make excuses for their behavior, and never back down from stating that we do not agree.

I still have some questions on this matter, so over the next month, I look forward to what god will continue to reveal to me.

I went to the clinic today for my foot. Its been hurting for the past month after the little accident :] it was an interesting experience! I got to keep my xray as a souvenir.

Oh yeah and we were at church a total of 13.5 hours today!  

aug 2: learn to love

Today we started the VBS at CHS. it went very well. We taught them boom chicka boom chant and I taught the story of letting the children come to jesus. That god cares about what the children have to say so much that he states the kingdom of heaven belongs to them.  That is incredible that so many times, society silences children by saying they cannot handle things or that they are still developing and such. In reality god says to have a heart and faith like a child. So take that grumpy parents, ha!

 

Today I am learning more and more. I discovered a love and passion for learning anything and everything all the time. Really social relationships the most right now… I always thought I was so forgiving and I forgave and forgave when people hurt me and then in the bible it says sometimes you need to dust your sandles off and be on your way. However, it doesn’t count when you have bitterness. Its not forgiveness if you harbor bitterness and pain at the end of the season together. There are a few people I regret to say I have most likely hurt in my high school. I thought I was completely right in my anger with them, but THAT is not part of this love given by god. Of course I cant do it on my own. It takes god to give me the strength to forgive and walk away with NO bitterness. And who am I to complain about being burned when god was freakin crucified by the people he came to save. Come on now ellie!! That is so selfish of me.

 

I also began a month long fast of my family. It all started when I was talking through some past hurts with morgan and I realized I trust god when it comes to provision and his awesomeness and his love and devotion of my life, but I struggle to trust him when it comes to my relationships. I don’t trust other people to respect me. Then I learned that when we have something that we would like to grow closer with god about, a fast is a good place to start. b/c when you fast, you not only cut something that consumes a lot of your time, energy, money and/or thoughts, but when you fast it, everytime you think or are tempted with that item, you stop and pray and take that time to spend with Him. For about a week I prayed about what I should fast and for how long. While deep in worship one Sunday god answered clearly, my family for the month of august. Well I knew that had to be from god cause I would NEVER want to do that on my own. My family is my life. But I agreed and a couple weeks later here I am, starting my fast. It is about to rock my world.

 

Also, today was blessings birthday… goober! We have leaned on each other so much in the last year. We have gone through thick and thin and made mistakes but loved each other through everything. You are truly a beautiful child of god (even if you say your just a pastors kiddo :]) happy birthday sweet girl. I love you

Btw mom, here you go. A blog everyday (so far ha). See you in a month

July 23: july team recap :]

Well my dad and sister just got on the plane back home. It was hard saying good bye; I had grown accustomed to them being here. Anna grace immediately bonded with fat baby and they hung out ALL the time. Inno and a lot of the other boys were in awe of how huge my dad is and he was so good with them. It was nice having some time to see and hang with other americans for a couple days.

Here are just some of the stories from the team here:

·         We taught mary how to chuck up the deuces and say holla atcha boy

·         Immanuel got to help with construction of 12 book shelves and several benches and tables. We asked him if he was married b/c he has a ring on… he responded that he just liked the way it looks.

·         Several of the youth girls from adziwa made me and Alyssa break dance. Ha and then me and Alyssa made my dad break dance. And I taught Deborah to do a stall

·         One of the boys who is a spunky hyper kid has had an ear infection for 2 weeks or more and by Friday he was a completely different person. His ear was hurting so much he just walked slowly and would have to sit down after just a few minutes of being active. We informed the administrator at adziwa and he was able to go to the clinic and get meds. PRAISE

·         Assome walked up to me one day and said dima ko konda(i love you)

·         We went to salima to the lake the second day they were here. Me dad and anna grace swam together in the lake. The waves were real big because it was so windy. Then we went to the market.

·         Trey called a man Dwight because he couldn’t remember his name, and then when we played catch phrase my dad was describing cheek to cheek and said when you kiss both sides and trey shouted…. IRANIAN.

·         Unfortunately on wed july 20th a demonstation occurred to show that the people protest against some of the things happening in the counry.  They were supposed to be peaceful but some people took advantage of the day and began looting and causing damage to businesses and cars.  Some people were also hurt and some died. Some marches were near where we live and in city centre so me Nicole and morgan went to stay with the team for a couple of days. We could not go to adziwa wed. on Thursday we attempted to go out to get some groceries but we got a call saying that there were people on their way to city center to protest again… we were in city centre. We probably would have been fine to go to adziwa that day because the marches were in isolated parts of the city but we chose to be safe rather than potentially sorry. As of now things are calm, but there has been a dead line of aug 17th for change to occur. So please keep the people of Malawi in your thoughts and prayers. That both sides will have god-given grace, listening ears, and understanding hearts.

·         At the wood market in city centre today I got to pray with a man who sold me a bangle and tell him what being a Christian means.

·         Our theme for bible camp was jesus loves kids and our song was jesus loves the little children. Our theme verse I have now memorized in Chichewa… mateyu 19:14 koma yesu anati telikeni tiana musatikanize kudza kwa ine :]

My family is so great…. I miss them so much. Especially right now as MARY CLAY celebrates her birthday. just a quick shout out… I love you m sizzle. Even back in the day when i annoyed the living daylights out of you, I loved you. You are so thoughtful with all your encouragements since ive been away and im so glad to call you my sister. You rock. Btw I sent your bday gift back with dad so you guys should open it when you open all your gifts and have dad video tape it so I can be there with you. :] love you bunches sister happy bday!!!

Family means so much back home and people becoming family here. The youth at adziwa are so great and welcoming and I love getting to know them and hanging out with them. Moses chimwewe lusungu and james are so great with the kids and you can tell that each one of them loves their job and has a passion for the ministry. The kids have completely stolen my heart I now know most of their names and am learning a lot of their parents names. The guardians take such pride in their families and love on each child :]

So as another month comes to a close, I am sosososo happy to be in my second home in the palm of gods hand. God is so great

Loss July 30, 2011

We lose things we love all the time. We lose phones; we lose boyfriends; we lose friends; we lose trust; we lose comforts; we lose dippin dots; we lose communication; we lose joy

However, we never lose god or his love for us. He loves us immeasurably. So even when our world feels upside down, he knows the end result and he knows exactly what we need.

Today I lost a friend. I met him last year; he and his brothers and sisters came to adziwa. He was so nice and sweet and loved god. He goofed off and rapped and sang in the youth band. Even though we didn’t see eachother regularly I thought of him and his family often.

And now he is gone.

I don’t know what to do right now… all I can do is grab hold of god and pray I make it through the night. I feel devastated; like I should have been able to do something. But instead of placing this burden on myself or running into a hole to cry, I WILL PRAISE THE LORD IN THIS STORM. I will rejoice in the past happiness and the hope in heaven. I will rely on god, not on people who quite frankly seem to fail more often than not as a support system. I will put trust in my purpose and I will keep on keepin on.

So whether we lose a phone temporarily, a stupid boy breaks our heart, or a dear friend enters the kingdom of heaven at a young age…. Our job on earth is a temporary one and the greatest pleasures are in heaven. No matter how much crap we gather around us to comfort us, at the end of the day, the void in our hearts is reserved for god, and we will never go to bed happy and complete until we surrender our everything to him,

R.I.P. Daniel… I love you my brother in Christ, and you will stay with us forever.